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Back Seat
Driver
A wife was making a breakfast of
fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the
kitchen. "Careful," he
said,"CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my GOD! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have
you LOST your mind? Don't forget to
salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the
world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of
eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I
wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."
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Grandma's Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his
grandmother one day. Playing with
his
toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting, he looked up and said,
Grandma, how come you don't have a
boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my
boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and
watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy
with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the
reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get
the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she
started hitting the backside of the
TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell
ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and
there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son is
your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's
in the bedroom banging her boyfriend
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Stuttering Problem
A man visits the doctor's because he
has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the
doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: 'It appears that the reason
for your stuttering is that your
“thingy” is about six inches too
long and it is thus pulling on your
vocal cords, and thereby causing you
this annoying problem of stuttering.
Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat
cccan I dddo?'
The doctor scratches his forehead,
thinks for a minute and states that
there is a procedure where we can
free up the strain on the vocal
cords by removing the six inches
from the thingy and freeing him from
this horrible problem.
The patient stuttering badly states
that this problem has caused him so
much embarrassment as well as loss
of employment that anything would be
worth it.
The doctor plans for the procedure.
The operation is a success and six
months later the patient comes in
for his check up.
Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was
a success. I have not stuttered
since the operation. I have a great
job and my self esteem is fantastic.
However, there is one problem, my
wife says that she sort of misses
the great time we used to have
before the extra six inches were
removed. So I was wondering if
it is possible to reattach those six
inches'.
The doctor scratches his forehead,
thinks for a minute and says: 'I
dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt
wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...
-
The Chastity Belt
All the good knights were leaving
for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend -
"My bride is without doubt one of
the most beautiful women in the
world. It would be a terrible
waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most
trusted friend, I am leaving you the
key to her chastity belt to use
should I not return from the
Crusade."
The company of knights were only a
mile or so out of town when they
noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important
message from the town the column
halted.
A horseman approached. It was
the knight's best friend.
He yells - "Hey, you gave me the
wrong key!!"
-
Statue Of Infidelity
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said,
"stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and
then she dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you
to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband
inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she
replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I
liked it so much, I got one for us
too."
No more was said about the statue,
not even later that night when they
went to sleep. Around two in the
morning the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a
while later with a sandwich and a
glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue',
"eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths for three days
and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."
-
Lurid Past
After three years of marriage, Kim
was still questioning her husband
about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the
thousandth time, "how many women
have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told
you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry,
and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven - then
there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12,
13.."
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Reincarnation
Bryan came home from the pub late
one Friday evening stinking drunk,
as he often did, and crept into bed
beside his wife who was already
asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell
asleep. When he awoke he found a
strange man standing at the end of
his bed wearing a long flowing white
robe. "Who the hell are you?"
Demanded Brian, "and what are you
doing in my bedroom?". The
mysterious Man answered "This isn't
your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm
dead!!! That can't be, I have so
much to live for, I haven't said
goodbye to my family.... you've got
to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be
reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog
or a hen." Brian was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far
from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was
covered in feathers and clucking
around pecking the ground. "This
ain't so bad" he thought until he
felt this strange feeling welling up
inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over
and said "So you're the new hen,how
are you enjoying your first day
here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian,
"but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the
rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few
uncomfortable seconds later, an egg
pops out from under his tail. An
immense feeling of relief swept over
him and his emotions got the better
of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time. When he laid his
second egg, the feeling of happiness
was overwhelming and he knew that
being reincarnated as a hen was the
best thing that ever happened to
him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was
just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back
of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken
bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
-
Vợ & Bồ
Trong quán bia, có hai anh trung
niên đọc hai câu thơ văn xuôi về
quan hệ giữa vợ và bồ. Một anh đọc:
- Vợ là kẻ địch, bồ bịch là ta,
chiến tranh xảy ra, th́ ta thua
địch, hoà b́nh giục dịch, ta lại về
ta.
Anh khách bảo:
- Hay lắm! Nhưng nếu xếp vợ là kẻ
địch th́ không nên. Chẳng lẽ anh
chung sống với địch à. Tớ có câu này
hay hơn: "Bồ
là phở, vợ là cơm. Sáng đưa cơm đi
ăn phở. Trưa mời phở đi ăn
cơm. Chiều phở về nhà phở, cơm về
nhà cơm. Tối ngủ với cơm mà ḷng lại
nhớ phở".
-
Stud Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought
a brand new stud rooster for
hischicken coop. The new rooster
struts over to the old rooster and
says, "OK old fart, time for you to
retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on,
surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has
done to me. Can't you just let me
have the two old hens over in the
corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it:
You are washed up and I am taking
over." The old rooster says,
"I tell you what, young stud. I will
race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive
domain over the entire
chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know
you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you
a head start."
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has
closed the gap. He is only about 5
feet behind the old rooster and
gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in
his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running
by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM
- he blows the young rooster to
bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and
says, "Damn.....third gay rooster I
bought this month."
Moral of this story? Don't
mess with the OLD FARTS - age,
skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance.
-
Cheating Wife
Sam and Becky are celebrating their
50th wedding anniversary. Sam says
to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering -
have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would
you ask such a question now? You
don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know.
Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he
asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were
35 years old and you really wanted
to start the business on your own
and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank
president himself came over the
house and signed the
loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I
respect you even more than ever, to
do such a thing for me. So, when was
number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when ! you had
that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation,
and no surgeon would touch you? Then
remember how the doctor came all the
way up here, to do the surgery
himself, and then you were in good
shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you
should do such a thingfor me, to
save my life. I couldn't have a more
wonderful wife. To do such a thing,
you must really love me darling. I
couldn't be more moved. So, all
right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years
ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you
were 17 votes short..?"
-
Vợ Chồng Nhà Báo
Hai vợ chồng nhà báo nọ đều là thi
sĩ. Anh chồng đang ngủ say, bà vợ
thúc cùi chơ sau lưng, thỏ thẻ làm
thơ:
Sức dài vai rộng để làm chi?
Tắm mát ăn no lại ngủ kh́
Ḿnh ơi! Thức dậy chiều em tí,
Đi!
Anh chồng mệt mỏi xin khất:
Suốt ngày bận bịu với văn bài
Mỏi cả xương sườn mỏi cả vai
Việc ấy đêm nay, xin hoăn lại,
Mai!
Chị vợ nhất định không tha:
Văn bài toàn những chuyện lông bông
Ḿnh rán chiều em kiếm chút bồng
Nay lại hẹn mai, mai hẹn mốt
Không!
Anh chồng bực ḿnh:
Nằm chung lắm lúc bực ḿnh sao
Ḿnh muốn yên thân nó cứ gào
Ừ này muốn chết ông cho chết
Nào!
-
Mất
Chim
Một ông linh muc có nuôi một con
chim mà ông rất yêu quư. Một hôm,
ông không thấy con chim của ḿnh đâu
nữa. Ông
rất buồn, và cho rằng trong số các
con chiên có người đă bắt được nó.
Một sáng Chủ Nhật, trong buổi lễ,
ông mục sư hỏi tất cả các con chiên:
- Ta có một câu hỏi cho các con, và
ta yêu cầu các con phải nói sự thật.
Các con hăy nghe cho rơ đây: Có ai
có một con chim không?
Tất cả đàn ông trong nhà thờ đứng
lên.
Ông biết mọi người đă hiểu sai ư
ḿnh, liền t́m một cách diễn đạt
khác:
- Ư ta hỏi là có ai nh́n thấy chim
bao giờ chưa?
Tất cả phụ nữ trong nhà thờ đứng
lên.
Ông càng lúng túng hơn:
- Không phải, ta muốn hỏi, có ai
nh́n thấy con chim không thuộc sở
hữu của ḿnh, ví dụ như của nhà hàng
xóm?
Một nửa phụ nữ trong nhà thờ đứng
lên.
Không biết diễn đạt thế nào nữa,
linh-muc lắp bắp hỏi:
- Ta muốn hỏi, có ai đă nh́n thấy
con chim của ta bao giờ chưa?
Tất cả các bà sơ đứng lên...!!!
-
Discount Airline
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms
walk up the aisle. Both are wearing
dark glasses, one is using a guide
dog, and the other is tapping his
way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the
cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the
engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around,
searching for some kind of a sign
that
this is just a little practical
joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster
down the runway, and the people
sitting
in
the window seats realize they're
headed straight for the water at the
edge
of the airport territory. Just as it
begins to look as though the
plane
will
plough straight into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts
smoothly into the air. The
passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly,
and soon all retreat into their
magazines secure in the knowledge
that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind
pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days,
they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."
-
Con Quỳ
Lạy Chúa Trên Trời
Con quỳ lạy
Chúa trên trời
Sao cho con trốn được người con yêu
Rằng con thiếu nợ đă nhiều
Nàng c̣n mua sắm đủ điều . Chúa ơi !
Con cày hai dzóp(s) hụt hơi
Người con yêu lại đua đ̣i chơi xe
Biểu ǵ con cũng phải nghe
Nếu con căi lại là te tua đời
Trước đây con tưởng gặp thời
Chúa ban con được t́m người con yêu
Giờ đây thân xác tiêu điều
Đời con phải chịu rất nhiều đắng cay
Thân con chẳng khác trâu cày
Nợ nàng con trả dài dài chưa xong
Con giờ như cá ḷng tong
Sụt ba chục kư , ốm nhong , ră rời
Thế mà đâu hết nợ đời
Nấu cơm , rữa chén , bị đ̣i ... tù
ti
Người đâu gặp gỡ làm chi
Để cho khổ thế c̣n ǵ là Xuân ?
Chúa ơi ! con khổ vô ngần
-
Man Of The
House
A husband
had just finished reading a new book
entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your
House."
He immediately stormed into the
kitchen and walked directly up to
his wife. Pointing a finger in her
face, he said sternly, "From now on,
you need to know that I'm the man of
this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a
sumptuous dessert. After
dinner you are going to go upstairs
with me, and we will have the kind
of sex that I want. After that, you
are going to draw me my bath so I
can relax. You will wash my back and
towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and
hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The frickin'
funeral director would be my guess."
-
The Loving
Husband
A man and
his ever-nagging wife went on
vacation to Jerusalem. While they
were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in
the Holy
Land for $150." The man thought
about it and told him he would just
have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you
spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be
buried here and you would spend only
$150?
The man replied, "Long ago a man
died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the
dead. I just can't take that
chance."
The Giraffe
Test
1. How do
you put a giraffe into a
refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the
refrigerator, put in the giraffe,
and close the door. This
question tests whether you tend to
do simple things in an overly
complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a
refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator,
put in the elephant, and close the
refrigerator? Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the
refrigerator, take out the giraffe,
put in the elephant and close the
door. This tests your ability
to think through the repercussions
of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an
animal conference. All the animals
attend.... except one. Which
animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant.
The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there.? This
tests your memory. Okay, even if you
did not answer the first three
questions correctly, you still have
one more chance to show your true
abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross
but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do
you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into
the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the
Animal Meeting. This tests whether
you learn quickly from your
mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting
Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all
questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct
answers. Anderson Consulting says
this conclusively disproves the
theory that most professionals have
the brains of a four-year-old.
Diagnosis :
710
Yesterday I was having some work done at the car
dealer. A blonde woman
came
in and asked the mechanics for a
seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each
other, and one mechanic asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the
middle of the engine. I
lost
it and need a new one. It had always been
there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and
a pen and asked her to
draw
what the piece looked like. She drew a circle
and in the middle of it wrote
710. He then took her over to another car which
had the hood up and asked,
"Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and
said, "Of course, it's right
there."
Click here to learn the identity of the
mysterious 710:
http://www.mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg
7 Reasons Not
To Mess With Children
A little
girl: was talking to her teacher
about whales.
The teacher:
said it was physically impossible
for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very
large mammal its throat was very
small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah
was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated
that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get
to heaven I will ask Jonah"
The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah
went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you
ask him".
A Kindergarten
teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around
to see each child's work. As
she got to one little girl who was
working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no
one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking
up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday
school teacher was discussing the
Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to
"honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little
boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a
little girl was sitting and watching
her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed
that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in
contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and
inquisitively asked, "Why are some
of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every
time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my
hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this
revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of
grandma's hairs are white?"
The children
had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them
each to buy a copy of the group
picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to
look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a
lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a
doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the
room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was
giving a lesson on the circulation
of the blood. Trying to make the
matter clearer, she said, "Now,
class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into
it, and I would turn red in the
face..."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am
standing upright in the ordinary
positions the blood doesn't run into
my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your
feet aint empty."
The children
were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was
a large pile of apples The nun made
a note, and posted on the apple
tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching"
Moving further along the lunch line,
at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip
cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take
all you want. God is watching the
apples."
Song Hỷ
Có cặp vợ
chồng kia, chồng người Tàu vợ người
Huế. Hôm đám cưới, sau tiệc cưới
linh đ́nh th́ đến đêm động pḥng,
anh chồng phần v́ mệt nhoài phần v́
hơi quá chén nên chỉ làm cho xong
chuyện rồi lăn ra ngủ, nhưng cô vợ
trước khi cưới đă đọc biết bao sách
báo, sách nào cũng tả đêm tân hôn là
đêm thần tiên, tuyệt vời v.v.. vậy
mà “chỉ có thế” chẳng thấy thần tiên
đâu cả nên thắc mắc bèn khều chồng
dậy hỏi:
- Xong hỉ ?
Anh chồng nghe lại tưởng vợ ḿnh
muốn Song Hỷ (vui 2 lần) nên nghĩ
thầm:
- Ồ, vợ ḿnh muốn nữa đây, thôi mệt
nhưng cũng chiều vậy.
Thế là anh cố gắng hoàn tất sứ mạng
Song Hỷ rồi lim dim nhắm mắt tịnh
dưỡng, tuy vậy cô vợ vẫn chưa thấy
tuyệt vời đâu xoay qua th́ thấy
chồng ḿnh đang nhắm mắt nên hỏi:
- Ngủ hỉ ?
Anh chồng nghe xong giựt bắn ḿnh
nghĩ:
- Ái chà, vợ ḿnh dữ quá chứ Song Hỷ
không chịu đ̣i tới Ngũ Hỷ (vui 5
lần) lận, thôi th́ ráng chiều vậy
đêm tân hôn mà.
Thế là again anh lại cố gắng hoàn
tất sứ mạng Ngũ Hỷ, chẳng may ngay
lúc đó 1 chân giường v́ yếu nên găy
cái rắc 1 góc giường ngiêng đi, cô
vợ hoảng sợ níu chặt anh chồng rồi
hỏi:
- Xập hỉ ?
Anh chồng !!! Ây dza xẩy ngộ dzồi
!!!
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