Chuyện VuiPhim & H́nh Ảnh Vui

Chuyện Vui


1, 2, 3, 4, 5


  • Back Seat Driver    

      A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.  Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,"CAREFUL!  Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!  We need more butter.  Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!  Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

      The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

      The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."



  • Grandma's Boyfriend   

      A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

      Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

      Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.  Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

      The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

      The minister said, "Hello, son is your Grandma home?"

      The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend


  • Stuttering Problem  

      A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.  After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

      Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your “thingy” is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.

      Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?'

      The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the thingy and freeing him from this horrible problem.

      The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it.

      The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

      Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great time we used to have before the extra six inches were removed.  So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'.

      The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: 'I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...


  • The Chastity Belt   

      All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

      One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.  It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.  Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

      The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

      Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

      A horseman approached.  It was the knight's best friend.

      He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"


  • Statue Of Infidelity    

      A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

      "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

      No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

      "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


  • Lurid Past   

      After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

      "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

      "Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

      Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

      "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."


  • Reincarnation   

      Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.  He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".  The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

      Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

      St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

      A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

      The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"
      "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
      "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

      "Never" replies Brian

      "Well just relax and let it happen"

      And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

      The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"


  • Vợ & Bồ   

      Trong quán bia, có hai anh trung niên đọc hai câu thơ văn xuôi về quan hệ giữa vợ và bồ. Một anh đọc:

      - Vợ là kẻ địch, bồ bịch là ta, chiến tranh xảy ra, th́ ta thua địch, hoà b́nh giục dịch, ta lại về ta.

      Anh khách bảo:

      - Hay lắm! Nhưng nếu xếp vợ là kẻ địch th́ không nên. Chẳng lẽ anh chung sống với địch à. Tớ có câu này hay hơn: "Bồ
      là phở, vợ là cơm. Sáng đưa cơm đi ăn phở.  Trưa mời phở đi ăn cơm. Chiều phở về nhà phở, cơm về nhà cơm. Tối ngủ với cơm mà ḷng lại nhớ phở".


  • Stud Rooster   

      A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for hischicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

      The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

      The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."  The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
      chicken coop."

      The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

      The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

      The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

      The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

      Moral of this story?  Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance.


  • Cheating Wife   

      Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

      Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

      "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

      "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

      "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

      "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

      "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

      "Well, Sam, remember when ! you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

      "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

      "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"


  • Vợ Chồng Nhà Báo    

      Hai vợ chồng nhà báo nọ đều là thi sĩ. Anh chồng đang ngủ say, bà vợ thúc cùi chơ sau lưng, thỏ thẻ làm thơ:

      Sức dài vai rộng để làm chi?
      Tắm mát ăn no lại ngủ kh́
      Ḿnh ơi! Thức dậy chiều em tí,
      Anh chồng mệt mỏi xin khất:

      Suốt ngày bận bịu với văn bài
      Mỏi cả xương sườn mỏi cả vai
      Việc ấy đêm nay, xin hoăn lại,
      Chị vợ nhất định không tha:

      Văn bài toàn những chuyện lông bông
      Ḿnh rán chiều em kiếm chút bồng
      Nay lại hẹn mai, mai hẹn mốt
      Anh chồng bực ḿnh:

      Nằm chung lắm lúc bực ḿnh sao
      Ḿnh muốn yên thân nó cứ gào
      Ừ này muốn chết ông cho chết


  • Mất Chim    

      Một ông linh muc có nuôi một con chim mà ông rất yêu quư. Một hôm, ông không thấy con chim của ḿnh đâu nữa. Ông rất buồn, và cho rằng trong số các con chiên có người đă bắt được nó.  Một sáng Chủ Nhật, trong buổi lễ, ông mục sư hỏi tất cả các con chiên:

      - Ta có một câu hỏi cho các con, và ta yêu cầu các con phải nói sự thật.  Các con hăy nghe cho rơ đây: Có ai có một con chim không?

      Tất cả đàn ông trong nhà thờ đứng lên.

      Ông biết mọi người đă hiểu sai ư ḿnh, liền t́m một cách diễn đạt khác:

      - Ư ta hỏi là có ai nh́n thấy chim bao giờ chưa?

      Tất cả phụ nữ trong nhà thờ đứng lên.

      Ông càng lúng túng hơn:

      - Không phải, ta muốn hỏi, có ai nh́n thấy con chim không thuộc sở hữu của ḿnh, ví dụ như của nhà hàng xóm?

      Một nửa phụ nữ trong nhà thờ đứng lên.

      Không biết diễn đạt thế nào nữa, linh-muc lắp bắp hỏi:

      - Ta muốn hỏi, có ai đă nh́n thấy con chim của ta bao giờ chưa?

      Tất cả các bà sơ đứng lên...!!!


  • Discount Airline   

      Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

      Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

      The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in
      the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

      At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

      In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."


  • Con Quỳ Lạy Chúa Trên Trời   

      Con quỳ lạy Chúa trên trời
      Sao cho con trốn được người con yêu
      Rằng con thiếu nợ đă nhiều
      Nàng c̣n mua sắm đủ điều . Chúa ơi !
      Con cày hai dzóp(s) hụt hơi
      Người con yêu lại đua đ̣i chơi xe
      Biểu ǵ con cũng phải nghe
      Nếu con căi lại là te tua đời
      Trước đây con tưởng gặp thời
      Chúa ban con được t́m người con yêu
      Giờ đây thân xác tiêu điều
      Đời con phải chịu rất nhiều đắng cay
      Thân con chẳng khác trâu cày
      Nợ nàng con trả dài dài chưa xong
      Con giờ như cá ḷng tong
      Sụt ba chục kư , ốm nhong , ră rời
      Thế mà đâu hết nợ đời
      Nấu cơm , rữa chén , bị đ̣i ... tù ti
      Người đâu gặp gỡ làm chi
      Để cho khổ thế c̣n ǵ là Xuân ?
      Chúa ơi ! con khổ vô ngần


  • Man Of The House   

      A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

      He immediately stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to know that I'm the man of this house and my word is law!  You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.  After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

      Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

      His wife replied, "The frickin' funeral director would be my guess."


  • The Loving Husband   


      A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

      The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?

      The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


  • The Giraffe Test   

      1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

      The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.  This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

      2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

      Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?  Wrong Answer.

      Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

      3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one.  Which animal does not attend?

      Correct Answer:  The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.  You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

      4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.  How do you manage it?

      Correct Answer:  You jump into the river and swim across.  Have you not been listening?  All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

      According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.


  • Diagnosis : 710   

      Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked the mechanics for a seven-hundred-ten.  They all looked at each other, and one mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

      She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

      The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.  She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.  He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" 

      She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

      Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:


  • 7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children   

      A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

      The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

      The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

      Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

      The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

      The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

      The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

      A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.  As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

      The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

      The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

      Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

      A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

      After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

      Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

      One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

      She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

      Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

      The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

      The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

      "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

      A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

      A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."

      "Yes," the class said.

      "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

      A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet aint empty."

      The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

      "Take only ONE. God is watching"

      Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

      A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


  • Song Hỷ  

      Có cặp vợ chồng kia, chồng người Tàu vợ người Huế. Hôm đám cưới, sau tiệc cưới linh đ́nh th́ đến đêm động pḥng, anh chồng phần v́ mệt nhoài phần v́ hơi quá chén nên chỉ làm cho xong chuyện rồi lăn ra ngủ, nhưng cô vợ trước khi cưới đă đọc biết bao sách báo, sách nào cũng tả đêm tân hôn là đêm thần tiên, tuyệt vời v.v.. vậy mà “chỉ có thế” chẳng thấy thần tiên đâu cả nên thắc mắc bèn khều chồng dậy hỏi:

      - Xong hỉ ?

      Anh chồng nghe lại tưởng vợ ḿnh muốn Song Hỷ (vui 2 lần) nên nghĩ thầm:
      - Ồ, vợ ḿnh muốn nữa đây, thôi mệt nhưng cũng chiều vậy.

      Thế là anh cố gắng hoàn tất sứ mạng Song Hỷ rồi lim dim nhắm mắt tịnh dưỡng, tuy vậy cô vợ vẫn chưa thấy tuyệt vời đâu xoay qua th́ thấy chồng ḿnh đang nhắm mắt nên hỏi:
      - Ngủ hỉ ?

      Anh chồng nghe xong giựt bắn ḿnh nghĩ:
      - Ái chà, vợ ḿnh dữ quá chứ Song Hỷ không chịu đ̣i tới Ngũ Hỷ (vui 5 lần) lận, thôi th́ ráng chiều vậy đêm tân hôn mà.

      Thế là again anh lại cố gắng hoàn tất sứ mạng Ngũ Hỷ, chẳng may ngay lúc đó 1 chân giường v́ yếu nên găy cái rắc 1 góc giường ngiêng đi, cô vợ hoảng sợ níu chặt anh chồng rồi hỏi:
      - Xập hỉ ?

      Anh chồng !!! Ây dza xẩy ngộ dzồi !!!





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Last updated: 02/11/07